Should We Break Up?
Evaluate your relationship health and gain clarity on your future
🚨 Important Safety Notice
If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help immediately. No one deserves to be physically, emotionally, or sexually abused. Your safety is the top priority.
- • Call 911 if you're in immediate danger
- • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7)
- • Text "START" to 88788 for confidential support
This is a Self-Reflection Tool
This assessment is designed to help you reflect on your relationship and gain clarity—NOT to make the decision for you. Only you know the full context of your relationship. The results provide guidance based on common relationship health indicators, but the final decision about your relationship is deeply personal and entirely yours to make. Consider seeking support from trusted friends, family, or a professional therapist.
Relationship Assessment
1. Describe your current relationship in a single word:
2. Picture yourself 10 years from now. Is your current partner in the picture?
3. Do you feel like you can really be yourself when you're with your SO?
4. Do you feel happier when you picture yourself as single?
5. Do you both have similar long-term goals?
6. How do you feel after a day of spending time with your partner?
7. Does your relationship feel balanced?
8. With 1 being "not at all" and 10 being "a lot," how much does your partner appreciate you?
9. On average, how many times do you fight each week?
10. Do you feel comfortable interacting with them from day to day?
11. Do you fantasize about dating someone else?
12. Do you think that there's any hope for your relationship?
13. Do you feel that you get space or time to yourself within this relationship?
14. Do you feel like you have lost your identity in this relationship?
15. Are there things that you haven't communicated to your partner yet that could positively impact the relationship?
🚩 Major Red Flags
Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
Complete lack of trust or respect
Partner controls or isolates you
Constant criticism or put-downs
You've lost your sense of identity
Completely incompatible life goals
Chronic dishonesty or infidelity
You're consistently unhappy
When It's Time to Walk Away
Signs It May Be Time to Break Up
- •Lack of Trust: Healthy relationships require mutual trust and respect. If trust has completely eroded, it's very difficult to rebuild.
- •Different Life Goals: If you want fundamentally different things (kids, location, lifestyle), compatibility becomes very challenging.
- •Unbalanced Relationship: One person constantly giving while the other takes creates resentment and exhaustion.
- •On-Again/Off-Again Pattern: Constant breaking up and getting back together suggests fundamental incompatibility issues.
- •Lost Interest: Sometimes people simply grow apart. It's okay if you no longer feel the same love and connection.
- •Abuse of Any Kind: Physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse is never acceptable. Your safety comes first.
Tips for Breaking Up Respectfully
- •Use "I" Statements: Express your feelings without blame. Example: "I don't feel like my needs are being met" instead of "You never listen to me."
- •Do It In Person: Respect demands a face-to-face conversation (or at minimum video/phone call), not a text message.
- •Be Honest But Kind: You can be truthful without being cruel. Focus on incompatibility rather than character attacks.
- •Set Clear Boundaries: Decide on communication boundaries post-breakup and stick to them. It's okay to block if needed.
- •Seek Support: Lean on friends, family, or a therapist during this difficult transition. You don't have to go through it alone.
- •Take Time to Heal: Allow yourself to grieve the relationship. It's normal to feel sad, even when breaking up is the right choice.
Remember:
- ✓Your happiness and well-being matter
- ✓It's okay to leave a relationship that isn't serving you
- ✓You deserve respect, trust, and genuine love
- ✓Breaking up doesn't mean you failed—it means you're choosing yourself
- ✓Professional help (therapy) can provide invaluable guidance
- ✓Take all the time you need to make this important decision
Frequently Asked Questions
How accurate is this break-up assessment?
This is a self-reflection tool based on common relationship health indicators, NOT a definitive answer. It can help you organize your thoughts and identify patterns, but only YOU know the full context of your relationship. The assessment provides guidance, but the final decision is deeply personal. Consider the results as one data point among many, including your feelings, experiences, and potentially professional counseling.
What if I'm in an abusive relationship?
If you're experiencing physical, emotional, sexual, or financial abuse, please seek help immediately. Call 911 if you're in immediate danger. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (available 24/7) or text START to 88788. No one deserves to be abused, and there are resources available to help you leave safely. Your safety is the absolute top priority.
Should I try couples therapy before breaking up?
If there's still love, hope, and both partners are willing to work on the relationship, couples therapy can be incredibly valuable. A skilled therapist can help you communicate better, understand patterns, and work through issues. However, therapy requires commitment from BOTH people. If your partner refuses therapy, is abusive, or if you've genuinely lost all feelings, therapy may not be the answer. Trust your instincts.
How do I know if it's just a rough patch or a real problem?
Rough patches are temporary periods of stress (job loss, family issues, external pressures) that resolve with communication and support. Real problems are persistent patterns of incompatibility, disrespect, or unhappiness that don't improve despite effort. Ask yourself: Are we both committed to working on this? Have we tried to address these issues? Is there underlying love and respect? If the answer is mostly no, it may be more than a rough patch.
What if we have kids or are married?
Having children or being married definitely makes the decision more complex, but it doesn't mean you should stay in an unhealthy or unhappy relationship. Kids actually benefit more from seeing healthy relationship models (even if divorced) than from witnessing constant conflict or misery. If you're considering divorce, consult with a family therapist and potentially a family law attorney. Your well-being—and your children's—matters just as much as the relationship.
How do I break up with someone respectfully?
Have the conversation in person (or via video/phone if distance requires). Use "I" statements to express your feelings without blame. Be honest but kind—focus on incompatibility rather than attacking their character. Set clear boundaries for post-breakup communication. Give them space to respond and process. While it will be painful, honesty and respect make the process cleaner for both of you in the long run.
What if I still love them but know I should leave?
This is one of the most painful situations. Love alone isn't always enough to sustain a healthy relationship—you also need compatibility, respect, trust, and shared goals. You can love someone and still recognize that the relationship isn't healthy or sustainable. It's okay to grieve the loss while knowing you're making the right choice for your long-term well-being. Consider therapy to help process these complex emotions.
How long should I give it before making a decision?
There's no magic timeline. If you've identified issues, communicated them clearly, given your partner time to change (and they're genuinely trying), you might see improvement in 2-6 months. However, if issues are severe (abuse, fundamental incompatibility, complete lack of effort), you don't need to wait. Trust your gut. If you've been unhappy for months or years despite trying, that's your answer. Don't wait for permission to leave.
Will I regret breaking up?
It's natural to have doubts and second-guess yourself, especially during lonely moments after a breakup. However, if you made the decision thoughtfully after recognizing genuine incompatibility or unhealthy patterns, you likely won't regret it long-term. The initial pain and nostalgia will fade. Focus on the reasons you left, not just the good memories. Give yourself time to heal and rediscover yourself before evaluating your decision.
Where can I get professional help?
Consider individual therapy to process your feelings and gain clarity. Online platforms like BetterHelp or Talkspace offer convenient access to licensed therapists. You can also search for local therapists on Psychology Today's directory. Many therapists specialize in relationship issues and can provide personalized guidance. If cost is a concern, look for sliding-scale therapy options or community mental health centers in your area.