Is My Relationship Toxic Assessment Calculator
Identify red flags and unhealthy patterns in your relationship
Important Safety Notice
This is a self-reflection tool, NOT a professional diagnosis or substitute for expert help. If you\'re experiencing abuse or feel unsafe, please reach out to professionals immediately. Your safety and well-being are the top priority.
24/7 Crisis Support:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Text: Text START to 88788
Online Chat: thehotline.org
Relationship Health Assessment
1. How do you make up after a heated argument?
2. Does your partner actively listen to your concerns?
3. What does your partner do when you're going through a hard time?
4. Is your partner more likely to take responsibility for a problem or blame you?
5. How does your partner treat you in public?
6. Do you feel like your partner appreciates you?
7. Does it ever seem like they praise you excessively and bombard you with gifts?
8. Does your partner ever make you second-guess yourself or question your sanity?
9. How do you and your partner handle differences of opinion?
10. Do you feel like you and your partner share equal power in the relationship?
11. What are your partner's interactions with your friends and family like?
12. How well does your partner manage their emotions?
Common Signs of Toxicity
Partner doesn\'t support your goals or needs
Constant criticism, contempt, or stonewalling
Dictating who you see, what you do, where you go
Making you question your reality or sanity
Excessive jealousy leading to constant suspicion
Consistently disregarding your feelings or boundaries
Get Help Now
National DV Hotline
1-800-799-7233 (24/7)
Crisis Text Line
Text START to 88788
Love Is Respect
Text LOVEIS to 22522
Emergency
Call 911 if in immediate danger
Understanding Toxic Relationships
What Is a Toxic Relationship?
Toxic relationships are characterized by unhealthy behaviors from one or both partners, including dishonesty, disrespect, lack of support or communication, and controlling tendencies. While all relationships have conflict sometimes, toxic relationships rarely feel enjoyable—frequent conflict, disdain, and unhealthy patterns make them difficult and draining.
Toxic vs. Abusive
It\'s important to understand that toxic behavior and abuse are different, though they can overlap. Emotional and physical abuse are types of toxic behavior—but while all abuse is toxic, not all toxic relationships are abusive. However, toxicity can escalate to abuse, which is why recognizing and addressing toxic patterns early is crucial.
Can Toxic Relationships Be Fixed?
Yes, some toxic relationships can improve—but only if BOTH partners genuinely commit to change. This requires: accepting responsibility for unhealthy behaviors, willingness to make significant changes, practicing healthy communication, and often seeking professional help through therapy. However, if your partner refuses to acknowledge problems or work on them, the relationship may not be salvageable.
When to Leave
If you\'re experiencing abuse, feel unsafe, your partner refuses to change, or the relationship is severely impacting your mental health, it may be time to leave. Remember: you deserve respect, kindness, and safety. Leaving is incredibly difficult, but it\'s also brave, and help is available to support you through the process.
Key Signs to Watch For:
- •Lack of Support: Your needs always take second place to theirs
- •Constant Criticism: Ongoing sarcasm, contempt, or put-downs
- •Controlling Behavior: Dictating your activities, friends, or choices
- •Gaslighting: Making you doubt your perceptions and reality
- •Walking on Eggshells: Constant anxiety about their reactions
- •Isolation: Being cut off from friends and family
- •Dishonesty: Frequent lies or hiding information
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if my relationship is toxic or just going through a rough patch?
All relationships have challenges, but toxic relationships have persistent patterns of unhealthy behavior. A rough patch is temporary and typically has an identifiable cause (like stress or a specific conflict). Toxic patterns are ongoing, repetitive, and often worsen over time. If you constantly feel anxious, drained, disrespected, or controlled, these are signs of toxicity, not just a rough patch.
What should I do if my assessment shows high toxicity?
First, prioritize your safety. If you feel unsafe, contact domestic violence resources immediately (National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-7233). Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist about what you\'re experiencing. Consider creating a safety plan if you\'re thinking about leaving. Document concerning incidents. Remember that abuse is never your fault, and professional help is available to support you.
Can my partner change their toxic behavior?
People can change, but only if they genuinely recognize the problem, take full responsibility, and commit to sustained effort—often with professional help. However, change is rare without sincere acknowledgment and hard work. If your partner denies problems, blames you, refuses therapy, or makes empty promises to change but doesn\'t follow through, these are signs they may not change. Don\'t stay hoping for change that may never come.
What is gaslighting and how do I know if it\'s happening to me?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes you question your reality, memory, or perceptions. Signs include: being told you\'re "too sensitive" or "crazy," having your feelings dismissed as overreactions, being accused of making things up, feeling confused about what\'s real, constantly second-guessing yourself, or apologizing even when you\'ve done nothing wrong. Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse.
Is it safe to confront my partner about toxic behaviors?
This depends on your specific situation. If your partner is generally receptive to feedback and non-violent, it may be safe to have a calm conversation about concerns. However, if your partner is volatile, becomes aggressive when confronted, or you fear their reaction, it may not be safe. In those cases, it\'s better to focus on your safety and exit strategy. A domestic violence advocate or therapist can help you assess whether confrontation is safe in your situation.
Why is it so hard to leave a toxic relationship?
Leaving is incredibly difficult for many reasons: emotional attachment and love, fear of being alone, financial dependence, children, fear of your partner\'s reaction, shame or embarrassment, hope they\'ll change, low self-esteem from abuse, isolation from support systems, and the trauma bond that forms in abusive relationships. These are all valid reasons that make leaving hard—but they don\'t mean you should stay. Professional support can help you navigate these challenges.
What if I\'m the one exhibiting toxic behaviors?
Self-awareness is an important first step. If you recognize toxic patterns in your own behavior, that\'s actually a positive sign—it means you\'re capable of change. Consider working with a therapist to understand the root causes of these behaviors and learn healthier patterns. Be honest with your partner about your recognition and commitment to change. However, follow through with genuine, sustained effort, not just promises. Change takes time and professional guidance.
Should I try couples counseling for a toxic relationship?
Couples counseling can help if both partners recognize problems and are committed to change, and if the relationship involves toxic patterns but not active abuse. However, couples counseling is NOT recommended if there\'s physical or emotional abuse, as it can escalate danger and give the abuser new manipulation tools. In abusive situations, individual therapy and safety planning are more appropriate. A domestic violence advocate can help you determine what\'s safest.
How do I create a safety plan if I want to leave?
A safety plan includes: identifying a safe place to go, keeping important documents and emergency cash hidden, memorizing important phone numbers, planning your exit for when your partner isn\'t home, informing trusted people of your plan, changing passwords and securing your phone, and having a bag packed with essentials. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for personalized safety planning assistance. They can help you create a detailed plan specific to your situation.
Where can I get help and support?
Many resources are available: National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, available 24/7), local domestic violence shelters and advocacy organizations, therapists specializing in abuse and trauma, law enforcement (if needed), legal aid services for protection orders, support groups for survivors, and trusted friends and family. You don\'t have to go through this alone—professional, confidential help is available whenever you\'re ready.