Apology Language Calculator
Discover how you give and receive apologies
Self-Reflection Tool
This assessment helps you understand your preferred way of giving and receiving apologies based on the 5 Apology Languages framework by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Jennifer Thomas. Understanding your apology language can improve conflict resolution and strengthen your relationships.
Assessment Questions
1. Whoops! You just broke your sibling's phone. What's your response?
2. Your best friend sent you a hurtful text. Which type of apology would you like?
3. You and your parents had a bad fight. What do you wish they'd say to you?
4. Your co-worker missed their deadline. How should they apologize?
5. Your friend said they'd pick you up, but they left you hanging. You're hoping that they:
6. Your best friend spilled your big secret. How should they apologize?
7. You accidentally embarrassed your little sibling in public. How do you apologize?
8. Oh no! You spilled your drink on someone in the restaurant. What's your response?
9. Your partner forgot about date night. How do you hope they'll respond?
10. You lost your temper with your partner. What does your apology look like?
11. Your friend made plans with you and then bailed. How should they apologize?
12. Your co-worker shared some mean gossip about you. How should they apologize?
The 5 Apology Languages
Showing genuine emotional remorse for your actions.
Owning your mistake without excuses or deflection.
Explaining how you'll prevent repeating the mistake.
Demonstrating apology through concrete actions.
Asking for forgiveness and giving space to heal.
Understanding the 5 Apology Languages
The 5 Apology Languages framework was created by psychologists Dr. Gary Chapman (creator of the 5 Love Languages) and Dr. Jennifer Thomas. Understanding your apology language—and the apology languages of others—can help you resolve conflicts more effectively and strengthen your relationships.
💙 Expressing Regret
What it is: Giving a genuine apology that shows how badly you feel about something. This language focuses on emotional expression and sincere remorse.
Sample apology: "I'm so sorry that I spilled my coffee on you. I feel completely awful that you got hurt."
Best for: People who need to know you truly understand the emotional impact of your actions and feel genuine guilt about what happened.
🎯 Accepting Responsibility
What it is: Owning the consequences of your mistake without trying to explain away your actions or deflect blame.
Sample apology: "This is completely on me—I forgot to turn the headlights off, and it's my fault that the car battery is dead."
Best for: People who value direct acknowledgment of wrongdoing without excuses, justifications, or attempts to minimize the mistake.
🔄 Planning Change (Genuinely Repenting)
What it is: Sharing specific plans about how you'll avoid making the same mistake in the future. This demonstrates commitment to change.
Sample apology: "I'm so sorry I forgot to reply to your text yesterday. In the future, I'll reply to your texts as soon as I get them."
Best for: People who need assurance that the problem won't happen again and want to see concrete plans for behavioral change.
🤝 Making Restitution
What it is: Apologizing through actions, not just words. Finding concrete ways to make things right and repair the damage.
Sample apology: "I'm so sorry that I forgot to pick you up from work. Could I pick you up from work tomorrow?"
Best for: People who believe actions speak louder than words and need to see tangible efforts to fix the situation.
🙏 Requesting Forgiveness
What it is: Passing the power to the other person by directly asking for forgiveness. This gives them control over the relationship's future.
Sample apology: "I'm so sorry about the hurtful things I said last night. Could you ever forgive me?"
Best for: People who need to explicitly grant forgiveness and want the autonomy to decide whether and when to move forward.
Important note: Make it a genuine question, not a demand. Give the person time and space—don't pressure them for an immediate response.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I have more than one apology language?
Yes! While most people have a primary apology language that resonates most strongly, many people appreciate multiple apology languages. Some situations might call for different languages—for example, a minor mistake might just need Expressing Regret, while a major betrayal might require both Accepting Responsibility and Making Restitution. Pay attention to which languages feel most important to you across different situations.
How do I find out someone else's apology language?
The best way is to ask them directly or have them take this quiz. You can also observe patterns in how they apologize to others—people tend to apologize in the language they want to receive. Pay attention to what they complain about in apologies they've received ("They said sorry, but they didn't even acknowledge what they did wrong!" suggests Accepting Responsibility). You can also experiment with different apology languages and notice which seem to land best.
What if my apology language differs from my partner's?
This is very common! The key is awareness and adaptation. Once you understand each other's apology languages, you can consciously apologize in the way your partner needs to hear it, even if it's not your natural style. For example, if you prefer Expressing Regret but your partner needs Making Restitution, learn to offer concrete actions alongside your emotional apology. Communicate openly about your needs and be willing to stretch beyond your comfort zone.
Is one apology language better than the others?
No—all five apology languages are equally valid and important. The "best" apology language is simply the one that resonates with you or the person you're apologizing to. Different languages work better in different situations and relationships. A complete apology often includes elements of multiple languages, but understanding your primary language helps you communicate more effectively about what you need to heal from conflict.
What makes a complete and effective apology?
While different people prioritize different languages, research suggests the most effective apologies include multiple elements: (1) Expressing Regret—showing genuine remorse, (2) Accepting Responsibility—owning what you did, (3) Planning Change—explaining how you'll do better, (4) Making Restitution—offering to make amends, and (5) Requesting Forgiveness—giving them power over the outcome. You don't always need all five, but a strong apology typically includes at least 2-3 of these elements.
Why do some apologies feel empty even when someone says "I'm sorry"?
This usually happens when the apology doesn't match your apology language. If your language is Accepting Responsibility, a simple "I'm sorry" (Expressing Regret) won't feel complete without them owning their specific mistake. If your language is Making Restitution, words alone—no matter how heartfelt—won't be enough without concrete action. Understanding apology languages helps explain why some apologies feel genuine while others feel insufficient, even when the person seems sincere.
Should I always apologize in my own apology language?
No—the goal is to apologize in the other person's language, not your own. While it's natural to default to your preferred language, truly effective apologies require adapting to what the other person needs. If you prefer Requesting Forgiveness but they need Accepting Responsibility, focus on clearly owning your mistake. This requires empathy and flexibility, but it's essential for meaningful conflict resolution. Over time, you'll get better at recognizing and speaking different apology languages.
How do apology languages relate to love languages?
Both frameworks were developed by Dr. Gary Chapman to help people understand different communication styles in relationships. Love languages describe how people prefer to give and receive love, while apology languages describe how people prefer to give and receive apologies. They're complementary—understanding both can dramatically improve your relationships. Interestingly, your love language and apology language might not align. For example, someone whose love language is Acts of Service might have Expressing Regret as their apology language.
Can apology languages change over time?
Yes, your apology language can shift based on life experiences, relationship dynamics, and personal growth. Major life events, particularly those involving betrayal or broken trust, might make you value different apology languages. For example, someone who previously appreciated Expressing Regret might start prioritizing Planning Change after experiencing repeated broken promises. Your apology language might also vary slightly depending on the relationship (romantic partner vs. colleague) or the severity of the offense.
What if someone refuses to apologize in my language?
This can be frustrating and may indicate deeper relationship issues. First, clearly communicate your needs: "When you make a mistake, I need you to specifically acknowledge what you did wrong, not just say you're sorry." If they continue to resist after understanding your needs, consider whether this reflects a larger pattern of dismissing your feelings or refusing to take responsibility. In healthy relationships, both parties should be willing to adapt their communication style—including apologies—to meet each other's needs, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.